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Fangtasia Stories Chapter 1: Mainstreaming is for Pussies
Blue Eyed AS
Characters do not belong to me! They are not mine. I do not own them, but I treat them with the care and love that they deserve and when I ship them back they are happy, clean, and well fed. I take particular care when washing and grooming Eric.

Story is beta'd by RubySun03, bestest beta in the world ever.

Rating is adult, for sweary words. These are VAMPIRES people!



Fangtasia Stories: Mainstreaming is for Pussies

Set during Dead Until Dark, at some point after Sookie and Bill first visit Fangtasia.

To the left a bit, Pam. Forward. Back a bit. Stop. Right a bit more. More.”

Pam shifted Eric's throne one last time before upturning it and striding over with super-quick speed to sit opposite him in his booth. The bar wasn't yet open, and Eric was tapping away on his laptop. He hadn't actually been looking while Pam was moving the huge wooden chair. He cast a brief glance over at it.

No, that's still not quite right. It needs to be at a 74 degree angle.”

Angle shmangle. Get someone else to do it. We need to talk.”

Eric didn't look at her and kept typing. “You are very uptight this evening. What is it?”

Some more money's gone missing. $25,000 more in fact.”

Eric stopped abruptly and looked up.

How? Over what period?”

The last month. That makes sixty, in total. Whoever's doing this is getting greedier. It's too large an amount to be coming straight out of the cash registers. Someone has access to the safe somehow, or our accounts, or both. It's getting out of hand. We need to get to the bottom of it.”

Eric leaned his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together in thought.

Yes. Indeed we do. Do we have any likely suspects yet?”

The staff are all stupid, but not that stupid. None of them would dare.”

Eric pursed his lips in deep thought.

Perhaps not. But then who?” He cocked a mock-accusatory eyebrow at her. “If you required more fancy shoes, Pam, you only needed to ask.”

Pam just stared back at him. “What do you want to do about it?”

He ran a hand through his hair and slouched back in his seat. “Change our account codes and passwords again, and the safe code, as well. Only you and I will have access this time. Check up on our accountant and inform the bank we may have had a security breach on our account.”

Should I speak with everyone alone? I could get the tools out.” An evil grin spread across Pam's face.

I have a better, much cleaner idea. Why don't we ask Bill to bring his new friend over?”

The sweet little cream pie? You think she's a mind reader?”

She said so herself, after she very ably warned us about that undercover cop. A telepath could be extremely useful to have around.” He smiled as he recalled the moment. “You should have seen Bill's face when she disclosed her talent. Quite a picture. As if he could keep that little secret from me.”

Sookie.” Pam gave a quiet laugh. “Not the usual fang-banger type.”

Don't be an idiot, Pam. She's not a fang-banger.”

She's banging Bill isn't she?”

Perhaps. Perhaps not.” He was hoping not. She had said she was Bill's, but didn't seem entirely convinced when she said it. “Sookie Stackhouse.” He took his time pronouncing every syllable.

He remembered her tight, pretty, innocent white summer dress with the delicate flowers, juxtaposed with the bright red fuck-me-heels. The long blonde hair, trailing down her back and over her bare, tan shoulders in glorious, soft, thick waves. Her chest heaving as they spoke to one another, her breasts spilling out further over the top of her dress with each heavy breath. Her delectable pouty lips. Her delicious scent. Her delightful spirit. Pam suddenly spoke, and he snapped out of it.

She was cute, if a little sickly sweet. She seems to know hardly anything at all of vampires and our ways. Very naïve. Bill seemed rather possessive of her.”

Indeed he did. You were sweet and naïve once too, weren't you Pam?”

I was sweeter. Sweet as candy.”

Of course you were. And I was a harmless, rosy-cheeked, Scandinavian milkmaid. Unfortunately, I've really only ever known the sarcastic, brattish, vampire child version of you, so of course I can't truly comment.” Eric turned back to his laptop and began typing.

Well, perhaps if you'd taken a moment before you sank your fangs in and turned me, you might have. Are you Googling me?”

Eric smiled. “No.”

What if I'd have been an absolute nightmare? What if I was the most annoying vampire child ever created?”

You are the most annoying vampire child ever created.”

How did you know I was going to make such a magnificent vampire? Sniffing out my inherent talent like an undead Simon Cowell.”

Eric snorted. “Vampire Idol.”

Oh that would be so good! I could be Ryan Seacrest! We should do it!”

He's a were you know. That Cowell man.”

Yes, apparently so. Randy Jackson too. They're in the same pack. Llamas aren't they?”

Hmm.” Eric had very little interest in were-llamas, and even less interest in popular reality TV shows. Still, Cowell was quite a businessman. Businessllama. Whatever.

So, how did you know I was destined to be the next Vamp Idol?” Pam pressed.

I didn't. I taught you how to be a great vampire.”

I had the natural talent. I was born for it.”

You know why I turned you.”

Pam smiled. She still loved it when Eric complimented her. She always wanted to make him proud. She kept such things to herself, of course.

I don't remember. Tell me again.”

I think it was your elaborately styled up-do.”

No it wasn't. Tell me the story again.”

Eric wasn't in the mood for the story and was sick of her badgering.

What do you think this is, Pam? Nap time at Kindergarten? We have work to do. I will tell Bill to bring Sookie here, and we can test out her skills first hand on the staff. Perhaps she will identify our phantom embezzler, or at least be able to get some useful information out of one of them. Did you know Bill was mainstreaming?”

So he says.”

I though it was a joke, or some sort of sad attempt to earn his human's affections. Yet it seems to be true. Someone e-mailed me a link to a very interesting video. Take a look at this.”

Pam scooched round and sat beside him, and Eric smiled as he loaded up the link on the 'Take a Bite at Mainstreaming' site.

Have you been checking up on Bill?”

Just taking care to investigate the underlings in my area, Pam. I'm simply doing my duty. This is a real gem, I think you'll enjoy it.”

Pam stared at the screen, tapping her fingers on the table as she waited for the video to load. She reminded herself to sort out their Wi-Fi.

The film began with Bill walking casually through some woods. He stopped, leaned against a tree, and smiled.

Hi there. My name is William Compton. I was made vampire in 1868.”

The film cut to a close up of his face.

I'm here to tell you about mainstreaming. It changed my life.”

Cut to Bill turning around and pointing at the camera, one eyebrow slightly raised.

And it can change yours.” Wink.

Pam actually guffawed, and her laughter brought to mind the sort of noise a dying elk might make. Eric pulled a face at her.

What in Thor's name was that noise, Pam? It sounded like a minke whale giving birth.”

If I still had the ability I might've just peed.”

He smiled and changed the view to full-screen. “Shh. It get's better.”

The film cut to Bill enjoying a local football game. He cheered along with the rest of the crowd, then turned his face to the camera.

Wow. This is a really exciting game. I'm here to give you some tips on how to live more comfortably among human society. It truly can be rewarding.”

He smiled again and turned back to the action on the field below, waving a previously hidden foam finger in the air.

Whoo! Nice touchdown!”

Pam shook her head in disbelief. “Who do you think filmed this? Do you think it was Sookie?”

I don't know. Watch this.”

The film cut to a distance shot of Bill walking through the doors of a supermarket, then a closer shot of him wandering the canned vegetable aisle. He picked up some creamed corn and placed it in his basket, before turning to the camera.

Firstly, consider the potential benefits of mainstreaming. These might include improved relationships with humans, a more varied, rich, and more satisfying lifestyle, or a reconnection with your previous human life or those loved ones you may have left behind when you were turned. Perhaps you just want a break from the daily grind of vampire politics. Mainstreaming is also an opportunity for re-establishing and maintaining aspects of your previous humanity.” He picked up a can of butterbeans and placed them in his basket, before drifting out of shot.

What is he pretending to buy food for?”

Shh. Wait.”

The camera picked up on Bill at the cold meats counter. The assistant handed him a package.

Here's you bologna, Mr Compton,” the spotty assistant croaked. He glanced at the camera out of the corner of his eyes and smiled warily.

Thank you, Todd. That's some fine looking meat.”

Bill placed the meat in his basket and turned to the camera.

The longer it is since you were turned, the more likely it is that you may lose your understanding of humanity. If you have lived within the confines of a close nest for decades, perhaps even centuries, you may be losing your grip on the reality of life outside it.” He smiled at Todd again before drifting out of shot.

The camera cut back to Bill, squeezing a cantaloupe this time. He cocked his head and nodded in a 'that's a nice ripe one' type fashion, and placed it in his basket.

In order to ease yourself back into mainstream human society, it may be a good idea to spend a little time doing ordinary human things, such as taking a trip to your local supermarket.”

The camera cut to him at the check out, paying for his items. He put them into a canvas shopping bag which he hooked over his arm.

Perhaps you could pick out some grocery items, and make a gift basket for your neighbor. Other activities might include taking local evening classes, or joining activity and social groups. Perhaps you could try...”

The badly edited film cut to Bill reaching out for the barrier of an ice rink, chuckling as he wobbled like Bambi on the ice.


Cut to a shot of Bill from behind, throwing a bowling ball with incredible speed and accuracy and making a strike. The scoreboard above clearly showed that he and his bowling buddies had all made a perfect score so far. He turned, and high-fived three nerdy-looking vampire bowling companions, all dressed in the same bowling shirts.

He gave a fist pump, and a “yesssss!” before stopping in front of the camera and holding his hands out in front of him.

Why not join the local bowling league?”

Cut to Bill in a dance studio, twirling a frightened looking elderly lady around, before bending her back over his arm. There was a cracking sound and she let out an audible “ouch”.

Ballroom dancing!”

Next thing, Bill was sat in front of a potters wheel, and his clay vase had just collapsed. He laughed and shook his head.


The camera cut to Bill in fishing gear, sitting by a moonlit lake, rod in hand.

However you choose to do it, participating in human activities can be more fun than you realize, and humans will appreciate the time and effort you are putting in to normalize your behavior around them.”

Normalize? This is dreadful, Eric. I can't watch any more. Stop it.”

Eric was still chuckling. “What? Come on, it's hilarious. I thought you found it amusing.”

It was at first, and would be, if it weren't so tragic. It's embarrassing. Is this what we've come to? Fishing? Who does he think he is? He's a vampire, for fuck's sake.”

Eric paused the video, on a shot of Bill gripping a wriggling trout. He signed in as Vamptastic12inch and wrote on the comments wall:

Mainstreaming is for pussies.

Pam snorted. “We are becoming more and more humanized, and I don't like it. Perhaps we are not mainstreaming in the same way as Bill, since we are not trying to integrate fully into human society, but still, we go about our business legally. Most of the time. We pay our taxes. Everything is above board. Usually.”

You mainstream, Pam, with your fucking twinsets.” Pam glowered at him and almost looked hurt. “It was a joke, don't pull that face at me. You know how fond I am of your pastel librarian attire. We do what we have to do. It's good for business.”

Remember the old days?”

Ah yes. Those happy times when humans were absolutely and totally oblivious.”

We should not have come out.”

Eric thought back to that day when vampires came out of the coffin. Eric hated that phrase, since he never slept in one, and couldn't understand why anyone did. In truth, he wasn't particularly keen on tight, confined spaces. And light-proofing a room really wasn't that difficult, especially in this day and age.

Anyway, that day, he'd wanted to stay in Shreveport, where he had always been based since he became sheriff of Area 5. However, the Queen had requested he be in New Orleans, along with all her other sheriffs. This was no doubt a safety precaution, in case there was panic among humans and a backlash followed, leading to some sort of lynch mob type scenario. Not that they'd get very far with that. Eric would've preferred not to go, and to take care of any situations which might arise in Shreveport, but he had to obey his Queen's command. She lived in a fucking fort, for fuck's sake.

Eric had called Pam, calling her in the maker/child way, as well as on the telephone, and asked her to be there, as there were things he wished to speak with her about.

The moment itself passed by very anti-climatically. Eric had been prepared for and really wanted a fight, but everyone seemed incredibly calm and rational about the whole thing. Humans took some shocking these days, he'd observed. Also, they were all holed up in Sophie-Anne's palace, watching TV, out of the action. It was only when the initial shock had died down, and local TV channel came knocking on the gates, that the Queen went out, surrounded by her bodyguards, and made a sycophantic public statement that made Eric cringe.

He wasn't entirely sure at the time whether coming out was a good idea. There had been meetings, conferences, much debate and sitting around tables, shouting, fighting, and fierce opposition to the plans. For many years this had gone on, and vampires even died through the violent in-fighting. Eric had sat back and watched the idiots argue. Either way, whatever the outcome, he was a survivor and an opportunist, and he always made the best out of every circumstance he found himself in. This would be no different.

For some reason, though, he just couldn't seem to get an image out of his mind. It was an image of himself, dressed up in a boring tweed suit with a bow tie, talking to a lecture theater full of students, flicking through projected images of Viking pottery, jewelry and weaponry. Academic tedium. He knew he was an expert, of course, not only in the Viking age but of many different historical eras, but couldn't stand the thought of having to talk about it endlessly to people. There might be the tasty prospect of lots of nubile, young students, but there really wasn't much money in it, or pleasure to be had from it. Eric had other ideas, something much more him. He was opening a bar.

After Sophie-Ann had given her speech, everyone dispersed, and Eric's cell phone rang.


Yes, are you still with the Queen? My flight just landed. It was late. I hate when flights are late, I always think dawn's going to arrive before we touch down.”

Take a cab to One Eyed Jack's in the French Quarter. I'll meet you in there.”

By the time he'd gotten changed and strolled over to the bar, Pam had already arrived. She was in the corner, sitting in a booth. She was talking on her cell phone, twirling the stem of a glass of untouched red wine between her thumb and forefinger. She looked at him, hung up on her call, put her phone on the table, and stood. She bowed very slightly.


Eric couldn't help but smile at her. When she raised her head and saw his face, she smiled right back. He gestured for her to sit back down, and slid into the opposite side of the booth.

Pam. I appreciate you responding to my call.”

Not at all. Is everything going well with the Great Reveal?”

Yes indeed. It seems to be going even better than planned.”

Great Reveal,” Pam scoffed. “It sounds like a naturist event. If we'd all have gotten naked perhaps I would've been more keen on the idea. I do not like it.”

I know.”

Pam pouted. She was wearing some fake spectacles, something she did occasionally. Her hair was braided, and she had on only light make-up. She was wearing a bright pink silk blouse and cream-colored wide leg pants, and low heeled pink pumps. Her look was topped off with pearl earrings and a pearl necklace. It was a set, which he'd given to her as a gift many years ago. She looked the picture of suburban normality. Few knew just how incredibly lethal Pam actually was. He'd once seen her twist the head clean off a were-cheetah, in human form, and not spill a drop of blood on her elegant pink pastel suit. It was Chanel, after all.

I can't stomach that synthetic blood. I'd rather drink from a goblin.”

Well, it is done now. We have to make the most of it.”

Hmm. So what do you have in mind?”

Eric was glad to get onto business matters. “I am opening a vampire bar, in Shreveport. Kind of like this place,” he gestured and they both looked around. “Only much better. I was hoping you'd agree to come and be my business partner. I could certainly use someone with your skills.”

A bar?”

Think of the prospects, Pam. Humans will already be curious to see the other side of life, and once the initial trepidation has died down, they will want to experience the excitement of being amongst real vampires. You know, live life on the edge, taste the danger. And we will taste them. And make a lot of money while doing it.”

There was some commotion on the other side of the room, some humans shouting about the news they'd just heard. There might have been a couple of screams. Pam and Eric both looked over in the general direction of the noise for a moment before continuing their conversation.

Yes, I can see the business sense in it.”

A bar would also be a good base for my work as sheriff. Money and profit can be filtered legally.” Eric raised his eyebrows. “It might be fun.”

Oh I'm sure it would be, with you.”

I will not force you to do this. I released you many years ago and I will not go back on my word.”

Pam thought about it for a while, and then looked up and smiled.

Can we have naked dancers?”

As many as you would like.”

I missed you, Eric.”

Eric grinned. Suddenly, he was back at Fangtasia, looking at his computer screen.

Pam crossed her arms and gave him a sideways glance. “Would you go back to being hidden, if we could?”

Eric thought about it. “No, I don't think so. Why should we have to hide what we are? We are at the top of the food chain, the most magnificent creatures on Earth. Our skills, our knowledge, the wonder of our existence, none of these things should be a secret. It has turned out quite well, don't you think?”

Things are too easy. It was the excitement of the hunt that I enjoyed the most. To have it all on tap, synthetic or human, and to have them offer themselves willingly, well, where is the thrill? Where's the mystery?”

It was getting too difficult. Security cameras, camera phones, the Internet. I'm surprised we weren't outed sooner.”

Oh come on, you loved it.”

Of course. But then attracting potential meals was always my strong point. It was hardly a chore. Being out has many perks.”

Hmm. Well, like I say, there's out, and there's Mr. Mainstream. Do you think Bill's after some PR job?”

Bill Compton, the face of the fang. Let's hope not.”

Are you going to call him in or shall I?”

Eric typed another comment on the wall:

Bill Compton carries a man bag and runs like a girl.

I'll call him.”


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I already read this on ffnet but it's so good I had to read it here too! I love the humour you use, we never get to see it on TB or in the books too much but I think Eric and Pam would be a little like this if we got more of them.

Teeny thing - you might want to use the LJ cut so your posts take up less space on your front page. Just go into edit post, make sure you're in the rich text pane, highlight the text you want to hide under a clicky link and press the 'LJ cut' button (the button has three 'lines' with a kind of zigzag under them). Hey presto!

Cheers Jan, I think I doned it now! Thanks for tutoring me in the ways of the LJ!

I think I might like this, once I get the hang of it a bit better.

It does take a bit of getting used to, I think I spent most of my time in the FAQs section when I came here!

The main pro is that you don't have to worry about someone reporting your work and having it pulled, also there's less chance of trolls leaving stupid reviews. Have you joined the sookieverse @ LJ community yet?

It's just nice to have one page to find everyone, although I think only me and makesmyheadspin have posted so far lol.

I'm alone and online Go Here

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